The Letters - No. 1

I live a wonderful life and I’ve loved and been loved by only a few, but I’ve only known one person who actually wrote me love letters. It’s a passionate art that I fear has been lost to the ages.

You see, back in 1994-95, right out of college, I worked on a cruise ship as an onboard host (yes, Julie McCoy). I was at a crossroads in my life where I had just fallen in love for the very first time. Sure, I had a relationship before, but this was the first time I felt like I physically couldn't breathe unless a certain someone was in my life. You know what I mean.

I met Matt in a bar in Pittsburgh. He approached me and asked if he could buy me a drink. I said ‘no’, as I was about to leave. (I never knew 'love at first sight' until I looked into his honest, blue eyes. And that crooked grin - that crooked matter-of-fact grin!). I found out a half hour later that he drove a Ford Taurus station wagon. He couldn’t have been more ‘peculiar’ to me. Exactly what always endears me to people.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m in a fantastic, loving relationship with my huzzzband of seven years, and I adore him completely. We challenge each other and know all the witticisms any one person could know about another person, and I love him dearly.

Today, while organizing my photos and mementos, I came across a stack of letters that were tied together with twine that I’ve kept for years – almost 16 years! The letters from Matt. I don’t keep them because I’m longing for something that was gone long ago. I keep them because they remind me of a time when I had no clue what was to come, and I knew I would need something of ‘love’ to reference on a dark day. I was so innocent then. And while I have absolutely no regrets for the choices I’ve made in life, I still always wonder ‘what if’.

Over the next couple weeks I’ll share with you these letters that Matt wrote to me. They may be a little confusing to you because you don’t have the back-story, but I’ll wrap that up at the end, and explain to you why 1994-95, when I was only 24 years old, was such a life-altering time for me.

(Although I don’t have any communication with Matt now and don’t have my own response letters to Matt to share with you, I would hope he does somewhere. Hey, a Romantic can hope, can’t he?)

I give you ‘The Letters’:

August 8, ‘94

Dearest Corey,

I just took Fretty (his dog) for a walk and at least a thousand thoughts ran thru my head. Where do I begin?

Miss you. Wish I were there. Wish you were here. I’m lonely. But besides all of that, things are well here.

In a way, I was glad to hear you didn’t like it that well on the ship. Suppose that was selfish! However, I want you to enjoy your time and so have since reversed my thinking on the issue. Have a good time while you are there, you probably won’t ever have the opportunity again.

I must apologize for my “less than personal” style of writing. It is the only way I have written in as many years as I been in school. I really haven’t had much reason to write on a personal level for some time, so please bear with me.

It was quite refreshing to hear your voice on the phone the other day. It seems like many months since you were here. I don’t think I ever told you that I am not very comfortable speaking via the telephone. I prefer to communicate in person. I express myself much better physically than verbally.

To be honest, when you told me you were going to leave I didn’t think that I would be as devastated as I was when you actually left. I knew I like you. I simply didn’t realize how much. Then you had to go and leave me a letter and that tape. (I made a mix-tape. How 90’s) I listened to it and cried like a baby. Andre (his roommate) came home and caught me. He, of course, was very supportive. I was and still am, touched that you would take the time to compose such a special, meaningful gift. I wish that I could be so thoughtful / romantic, but it simply isn’t in my blood. Sorry.

Now for the bad news. I think it is only fair that you know what/who you are dealing with. I am all of the following:

1. Insecure
2. Untrusting
3. Jealous
4. Often moody
5. Self-centered
6. Extremely goal-oriented

(I know Matt; who isn’t?)

I stopped because I think six is enough to start with. If you think you might want to tackle these, then we can start on the next six. I am not really sure that I am all of those, but my ex-boyfriends assured me that I was upon their departures. Even if I am, even an old dog (Matt was 30 years old at the time. I was 24.) can be taught not to bite a stranger.

Andre just interrupted as he is leaving for the bars. He said to tell you hello! All of my friends really like you. That is very important to me, because my friends are very important to me. Tommy is still engrossed with that trollster Rob.What a leech!!! Need I say more? Andre is still looking for Mr. Right almost every night. I went with him to Pegasus on Saturday. I have never seen so many QUEENS in/at one gathering! What is this gay world coming to?

It is 11:00 and time for me to sleep. Sure do wish you were here, sometimes I get so lonely. At least you will be here in Autumn. It is my favorite time of the year. I hope that you might go to Frank and Alice’s with me (his adoptive parents), their place in the country is most beautiful that time of year.

I refuse to address any issues of intimacy in my letter as it doesn’t seem quite appropriate that I should not see your face when I tell you how I feel. I prefer immediate response as opposed to delayed reaction.

I have enclosed a picture for your amusement. In the even of a shark attack, simply wave my picture and it shall most assuredly retreat from the attack! I do have several pictures of you and I from Randy’s boat, but I look awful and that is not how I want you to remember me.

Miss you terribly,

Matt

P.S. Fretty says ‘ruff’ (Hi)!