Doughnuts Delirium!

Forget the shenanigans that go on every year when you serve free alcohol at the company holiday party, but serve doughnuts at the office and the entire place goes berserk. It’s poll-dancing and sugar rush euphoria!

Oh, and Gawwwd! Here they come again! The co-worker who is constantly looking over my shoulder, dying to find out what I’m eating. You know the type, the person in the office who always has to know what everyone else is eating. The type of person who’s always talking about this ‘celebrity diet’, and that ‘revolutionary diet’, calorie counts, cholesterol counts, low-fat, low salt, no salt, all salt, etc....all the while toting around their junk in their trunk and eating Blimpie sandwiches and snacking on chocolate all day long. (Let’s call them “ BIGGIN’ “).

The only thing worse is that über-skinny co-worker who says they NEVER eat junk food, and you just know when they’re not around anyone else, they’re shoving banana creme pies and fried chicken down their turkey waddles. (Let’s call them “LOLLIPOP HEAD”).

BIGGIN’ always takes it a bit further...they push their doughnuts on everyone else in the office.

BIGGIN’: “Here! Have a Krispy Kreme!”

ME: No, thank you. I just ate lunch. I’m full.

“No, really have a doughnut. Eat it later.”

No, thank you. I don’t want one.

“Oh, come on! You gotta have a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Everyone loves them!”

No, really. I don’t care for it and I don’t like doughnuts anyway.

(Note: I have actually tasted a Krispy Kreme doughnut before, and I think they taste like cigarette smoke.)

UH OH! I then realize I committed the carnal sin of crap food. I turned it down, and revealed that I didn’t like doughnuts (or cake or pie, for that matter).

As I exhale, I realize I’ve just left the door open for the food nazi to grill me (no pun intended) about why I don’t like cake, cookies or pie. I already know that no matter what I tell them, they will never be convinced of my truth.

I DON’T LIKE CAKE, COOKIES OR PIES, YOU FREAK! Period. End of story. I just don’t like sweets that much. ACCEPT IT, and walk AWAY! Don’t stand there trying to figure out if I’m trying to feel superior to you by rejecting your doughnuts. I’M NOT!

The ONLY thing you should be concentrating on is WHY you are trying to force your doughnuts onto all of your co-workers. Is it because it will make you feel better about yourself if everyone around you is eating the same crap? I’m guessing – yes!

The same goes for LOLLIPOP HEAD. EAT A CHEESEBURGER AND SHUT UP ABOUT HOW “HEALTHY” YOU EAT! That’s a bunch of bollocks, and we know it!

So, the moral of this story is, A)Before I write anything, I should have my caffeine first, and B) Take your NASTY doughnuts, eat them and get back on that stripper pole, like you did last week during the annual Board Meeting cocktail hour.

My Fage Yogurt, fresh fruit smoothie, roasted-free-range-turkey-&-swiss-cheese-sandwich-on-organic-whole-grain bread and bottle of water are doing very well, THANK YOU! (Later, I may have an entire bag of BBQ chips...but that's a separate story.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a tall, ice cold, SUGARY Coca-Cola with my name on it in the cafeteria vending machine. Actually, I’m feeling kind of dangerous today...maybe I’ll go for a Pepsi instead. Besides, only the COOL people drink Pepsi (just ask Beyoncé and Britney).

Cheers!