Black Cat...Nine Lives

If you have pets (aka 'children') there are times when they do things that are so 'human'. This afternoon, I walked up the stairs to find Thelma & Luis (brother and sister) sitting like this in front of the fireplace. I gently ran up to the next level of the house to grab the camera sitting on the coffee table - for just such emergencies...you should ALWAYS have a camera at the ready for just such an event.

I have only one other picture of them sitting next to each other. It was when they were only 2-years-old and sitting on the kitchen table. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear they knew and were waiting for me to take a snap of them sitting in the warm sunlight.

You see, it IS good luck to have two beautiful black cats in your life.

He Gets Me, He REALLY Gets Me!

The best thing about Hubby taking a business trip is that he always brings me back something adorable. Sometimes, he's like a 'straight' husband - you know, you have to repeat things or drop repeated hints at him to let him know when something upsets you, makes you happy, etc. Marriage....you know!

But when he returned from his last trip, he brought me something wonderful and VERY thoughtful...a clever cat/mouse kitchen timer (because I like to cook). I brought two cats (children) to our relationship several years ago, and he has always shown them incredible affection. He brought two dogs to our relationship.

It's tricky when two people come together and one is a cat person and one is a dog person. Someone HAS to give. But I've always been a PET person. I can't imagine a life without a beautiful, fuzzy creature in it.

A few dates into our courtship, I asked him directly...YOU DO LIKE CATS, DON'T YOU? My previous 'relationship' just dealt with the cats, but every day I would constantly hear about allergies, etc. To the point where I asked a friend of mine take my cats for a month just to give him a break. NEVER AGAIN! If you love me, you love my pets. Otherwise, it's a deal breaker. I committed myself to taking care of two of Earth's beings, and you are not about to keep me from my obligation to house and nurture them.

So, I applaud Hubby for giving me something so sweet with my best interest at heart. He DOES understand me...I hope. (And there's A LOT to understand and accept.)

Caption This

In the back of The New Yorker magazine, they always post a cartoon and ask readers to write a caption for it. So, let's give it a try, shall we?

Caption the above photo: ________________________________________.

The Letters No. 4

As I continue on with my series "The Letters", I must apologize for making you wait a few weeks until I posted the next one. These letters are personal to me, and it's sometimes difficult for me to share these intimate parts of my life, but sharing it with you has given me a vulnerability that is actually making me a stronger person.

August 28, 1994

Dearest Corey,

Here I am, yet once again, communicating with you via the U.S. Postal Service. Seems somewhat impersonal and ineffective, but I shall do my best.

I found myself helpless after speaking with you on Wednesday. It was very difficult to sit in Pennsylvania while you were in Florida/St. Thomas? and me being unable to help you [I don't remember what drama I was going through, other than missing him terribly]. Often times a hug is all one needs to get through such times. I was unable to be as supportive as I would have like to have been, but my secretary [I can't believe he used the word 'secretary'] can hear every word I say. The only advice I can offer is that if a job stresses one to the point of despair for any length of time over one (1) week, then it is time to find another job. That has always been my philosophy anyway.

Again, I must apologize that I wasn't very conversant yesterday morning, but I sure do looove ['looove' was underlined] to sleep in. Would have been much better if you would have been here to sleep in with me. I ordered a 4 1/2 in feather bed comforter to put on top of my mattress...better for us to snuggle in on those cold winter nights. If this winter is anything like last, we will need it!

Yesterday I stripped, stained and varnished the kitchen chairs. I've been meaning to do that for 3 years now [I guess a little sexual frustration can do wonders]. They turned out very well. Today I painted the front porch. All of those spindles are a bitch! Now, if I can just get a roof over the back door before summer ends I would have accomplished all of the goals I set for this year. Outside chores, anyway. I do want to lay tile in the kitchen sometime soon.

As I told you on the phone, I will be going to Rehobeth on Thursday [I didn't know at the time it was a 'gay' locale] until Monday. My last vacation of the summer...BOO HOO! Randy, Sandro and Bob [Matt's friends] are going to DC where we will pick up Loukis & Vasile. Hopefully, I will get a nice tan so I will look good when you get back.

Well, I'm on my third page which seems to be my limit. I hope that you do whwat you want to do with your job and not what you think others want you to do. You made a statement the other day about your being very independent. That kind of bothers me, I am a person who needs to be needed. Not that I have a compulsion to dominate or anything, [yeah, neither do I, unless I allow you to be so], it's just that I feel more secure when i know someone needs me. Here I go getting sappy again...enough of that.

Mother missed her first day of classes [I think 'Mother' is Andre; Matt's roommate]. She was out until 6:00am that morning and so didn't quite make it out of bed for an education. Tommy is still in his mess with Rob. Me - well I'm still waiting for this really sensitive, sweet, gentle fellow I fell in love with a few months ago. I hope I see him soon.

Matt & Fretty

(Notice the 'Love Matt' has fallen away?)

Formula for Hotmess (Top Secret)

I've FINALLY figured out the scientific equation for calculating 'hotmess':

R* = 7/year, fp = 0.5, ne = 2, fl = 0.33, fi = 0.01, fc = 0.01, and L =

Oscar Schmoshcar

I’ve never been one to get excited or go out of my way to watch award shows. Now that we’re in the midst of Hollywood’s award season (if not, all year long), it’s nearly impossible to avoid the hoopla.

Everyone gets SO excited to hear the nominees, then every quirky news program, media outlet, blogs, etc. gets all wet fretting over who’s gonna wear what designer’s gown, what jewelry are they wearing, who’s probably gonna win, blah, blah, blah... Everything that could possibly be speculated and discussed about the awards has been talked about umpteen times by everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be awarded for spectacular performances and great talent, but hasn’t is gotten a bit out of hand? I wonder if they give an Emmy for Best Award Show?

Admittedly, I have watched bits and pieces of award shows while flipping the TV dial. The only Oscar show I ever watched on baited breath was the year Halle Berry was up for Best Actress (I looooooove me some Halle Berry, and have followed her eons before “Monsters Ball” – remember “Baps” and “Boomerang”?). My eyes watered over when she won. It was a pivotal moment that was bigger than her just winning.

I know that some of you out there enjoy these shows, and I’m not knocking you for showing interest...And I’m being very honest and not jokey, but would someone please explain to me why so many people are OBSESSED with every detail of these award shows?

Maybe the Oscars is like a big, gay Super Bowl, and winning an Oscar statue is like making the winning touchdown? Maybe THAT’S it!

I think I answered my own question. Harummmpph!

Who knows, I may watch a bit of the Oscars this Sunday – I DO like Sandra Bullock. She’s an actor’s actor, and not part of that ridiculous so-called ‘A-listers’ pack, like that Jolie/Pitt hotmess.

Lady-Bag

With a unisex name like Corey, I’m often the brunt of misguided marketing campaigns. I get women’s catalogs from Saks & Neimans, or special offers from Victoria’s Secret. My favorite is free samples in the mail of feminine napkins. Their über-secret computer database sees Corey as a default female name, and the rest is history.

As an Office Manager, I am usually inundated with calls/mail from businesses trying to solicit office supply sales from my company. Today, I received a particularly fantastic piece of temptation from a company that has been trying to seduce me into a sale for quite some time: A Free Ladies Business Tote with my first $29 order (a tote valued at $59!! – as if!)

Yup, having a lady name will get you this fabulous pseudo-Coach knock off (made in China, no doubt by some child laborer who gets paid in sand dollars).

Admittedly, it IS tempting for me to place my first $29 order just so I can get this fabulous lady-bag to carry my MacBook and man accessories in a nice and tidy manner.

Do you think I should place my first order?

Temporary Tourette's

I’m suffering from temporary Tourette’s Syndrome today because of a cramped muscle in my neck/shoulder. I slept on my neck wrong last night, so every time I move my neck in a certain way, it crimps.

Bend over to lace shoes: “Ow..FU@#!”

Pick up the phone to answer it: “Sheeit!”

While driving, I look for traffic before making a left turn: FI#CK ME!”

I look down at my keyboard to find the exclamation key: “Daamn!”

Putting on my seatbelt in the car: "OW, F#$^XCK ME, SH#$T, DAMN, HELL, F#&^K!!!!!"

But there is a bright point to all this pain; I can’t help but burst out laughing every time my neck cramps and I spew forth a deluge of expletives - I just can't control it! BWHAHAHAHHAA!

I’ve been safe so far so as not to blurt anything out at work, but by the end of the day, I know I’m gonna get myself in trouble.

“OW!! BITCH!!”

“OW!”

A Close Shave

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of Little House on the Prairie. Well, not exactly. I have no intention of peeing in an outhouse or beating my clothes on a rock to clean them. But I swear every time I go to the store, it's like I'm in a battle with Mrs. Olsen trying to buy the simplest of things.

Every time I buy razor blades, I'm assaulted by the ubiquitous razor blade police at the CVS drugstore. I swear eventually I'll have to give up my social security number or chop off my left pinky finger to buy toothpaste.

It's understandable that merchants have to lock up high-priced merchandise that's easily pocketed, but there needs to be a better way so as not to be such an inconvenience to their honest customers. Not only did the contraption/dispenser in the above picture not work, I had to track down an employee to get me the razor blades.

Can you imagine if they locked up the condom rack? We'd have a baby boom on our hands!

Georgia on My Mindless

There’s a man in Georgia who is on a campaign to rename the Georgia state bird from the Brown Thrasher to the chicken.

Yeah, you read that right. I had to go back and re-read the headline the first time I saw it too. Chris Cunningham, the impetus behind the movement says he has nothing against the Brown Thrasher (a beautiful migratory bird), but he believes the chicken has done more for the peach state than the Thrasher.

Well, I have to agree with him there. The chicken has contributed to obesity, heart disease, bird flu, high cholesterol.... Need I go on? That's far more than the Thrasher can claim.

So I say go ahead, Georgia – let’s rename the state bird The Chicken, because we’re just dumb enough to do it.

All Hail, the Noble Chicken...”Bukbukbukbbbukock!”

Isn't this how we should treat all our state birds?

I'm on The Pill

I’ll just lay it out for ya (you know, since we’re best friends and all): Over the past few weeks, I’ve developed jock itch. Eeeeewwww! Gross!

Oh, please, every guy gets it if you’re active, work out and such. I don’t care who you are guys, at some point, you’re gonna get it. It’s just the way of the world.

So, I go to see my doctor this morning, and after the obligatory 30 minute wait (for a 9:00am appt mind you), and a less-than-five-minute consult, he hands me a prescription for Diflucan.

Hmmm? Diflucan...Diflucan, where have I heard that name before?

Isn’t that an asthma medication? Pharmaceutical giants advertise so many different medications on TV that’s it’s bewildering to keep track of what’s what. Not to mention there are always so many new medications on the market, that when you see an ad for one, you may actually convince yourself that you have the disease that the medicine is supposed to cure! Crazy.

I drop off my prescription, thinking it’s probably some fancy overpriced antibiotic that my health insurance plan is happy to pay for.

“Order up,” the pharmacist says. (Not, really. I was just being dramatic.) I pay for my purchase and head back to the office. Not wasting any time with the cure, I open the prescription pack, and there it is staring me in the face...

“The easy ORAL cure for most vaginal yeast infections” – that’s what the packaging holding the one single pink pill in the bubble pack said.

VAGINAL YEAST INFECTIONS?

Holy guacamole...they mixed up my medication meant for some itchy broad! But upon further inspection, and reading more about Diflucan, it can cure a plethora of indications surrounding fungal infections, not just yeast infections in women. But what shocked me was that the packaging also says one pill can usually cure a yeast infection. My doctor gave me SEVEN-DAYS worth – one-a-day!

Hey, Doc. I’m not making a loaf of homemade bread here!

Just goes to show you that although a medication may be marketed to just men or to just women for one problem, it can cure an entire range of crap. Just like aspirin or over-the-counter medicine used to treat your headache, or target only your back pain. It ‘knows’ where to go. That’s how Viagra came about; an ingredient once used in medication to treat angina, gave men ‘rise’. What used to come at a premium is now everywhere (if you know what I mean).

No wonder there are a bazillion side-affects listed with every prescription you get:

“Warning! Use as directed: Side-affects include bloody nose, difficulty urinating, back pain, dizziness, vomiting and in extreme cases, your uterus may fall out.”

Now guys, you may be completely grossed out by my predicament, but one day when you feel the fires o’jock in your loins, you’ll thank me for this tidbit of information, and so will your sweaty, irritated loins.

What does medical science hold for us tomorrow?

Hello Shi**y

In an effort to thwart Western thought and stifle dissent among its citizens, the Chinese government has ramped up its propaganda agenda.

Beginning next month, every newborn child will undergo intense Hello Kitty indoctrination. Before this, it appeared that the Chinese OBSESSION with HK (or is that Hong Kong?) was just an incredible fluke trend.

However, reports are now surfacing that indicate the Chinese government has been using Hello Kitty to suppress freedom of thought for decades.